Arjun My Friend’s Ex!

They say an empty mind is a devil’s workshop. That’s why I guess I took up this huge task of offering my friend Payal some help.

Not just a task actually, I took up the entire responsibility of making her happy. Everytime she ranted about what a dog Arjun was, I would nod my head in agreement, too readily at times I guess.

Everytime she needed somebody to tell her that she is pretty, I would be her ‘magic mirror on the wall’, telling her what she wanted to hear. And every time she needed a friend to help her in burning those vacant hours and stale thoughts, I would be by her side.

But despite all the helping and all the altruism, I couldn’t find my way out of my own shithead.

My thoughts shadowed all my actions and the actions were turning out to be too distressing too.

Talking to as many as 3 guys at a time every day, and giving away your number to atleast one before you finally log off. Hoping that this new caller would fit the bill, he would turn out to be your perfect candidate..who would understand your sheer need to talk and nothing more. But sadly my earnestness in giving my number was always misread as me being too available. I had just experienced what it felt like to be an easy lay and was hoping that these random souls would make me feel better. But aghast!

The message that I was easy and available was conveyed more clearly than ever in my trying to find my perfect candidate. So after a few hateful and painful days of rummaging through perverted minds, I finally gave up.

The very idea of going online seems so stale to me now, that I feel like throwing up. I can’t bear another ASL plz request, another hit on, another talk laden with hidden meanings..

But the saddest bit is that there is more to my need than just a simple need to talk..all this time when Payal was telling me what she missed the most about Arjun, I was trying to figure out what I missed the most about my recently created history..and I realized that Prashant was never much of a companion anyhow?

So why was I seeking companionship all of a sudden out of nowhere? Probably because he had damaged me so much, that nobody around could fix me back, none of my friends, no one, they had grown just too weary hearing me utter the same story over and over again. So that explains atleast one part.

I needed a companion, who could make me feel better about myself, a sensation I hadn’t experienced in days. But there was more to my desire to be with a man. The sexually perfect experience that I had had with Prashant was gone with him. And though I had been denying this for long, but I yearned for that perfection.

When you get exactly what you always wanted for so long and suddenly it is taken away from you, then you crave for it like a cocaine junkie. You can’t think of anything else, you go through cold turkey when forced to abstain, and you go crazy cause you know you can’t have it anymore. And this was the whole truth I realized..i still craved for that touch.

Ever so often at some ungodly hour in the day, I would find myself pinned against the wall of his drawing room, and I can almost feel his touch in such moments..Like it’s not just me replaying the past in my mind, it’s like the past overpowers the present and the present becomes your past. It’s that real, and at the same time surreal coz it’s hard to believe that it ever happened. This intense is my need to be needed, to be wanted again and to be desired again.

I don’t seek a mere listener, I seek a lover too, who can touch me and lust me and who can replace the memories of Prashant. I just want to stop thinking about Prashant now and the only way I see it happening is if I stumble onto a chemistry as strong as I shared with him.

But I am realizing that looking for such a person online is like looking for a needle in a stash of hay, impossible and agonizingly irritable. So I quit looking, but can’t quit wanting what I want..and as I say all this, the most wicked yet the most satisfying thought comes to my mind..that I already have one such perfect candidate..i have been with him earlier once..though that was a brief encounter. But something tells me, that if this time I get involved with him, it would be anything but brief.

Since he is a womanizer, and that’s just the kin of a person I need. A sense of being desired again..and this person is closer home, so bloody convinient but morally speaking he is out of my reach..for he is the Ex of the friend I am busy consoling these days..he is Arjun..an asshole!