To Be Or Not To Be – Open relationship and its different shades
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It was all glitzy and dark out there, and the music was thumping loud in the background; that’s when we decided to escape to a quieter and lonelier place. It was just upstairs. This man, whose name I kept chanting to this day, took me in his arms. We began exploring each other’s bodies and started making out passionately, fully aware that my husband is perhaps in some unknown woman’s clasps somewhere on the down floor; I didn’t even cringe a bit when my lips touched the lips of this total stranger. Nervous and gentle at first, it grew into something more wild and intense. He was tall. He donned a light-coloured shirt leaving it unbuttoned till the point of revealing his admirable tufty chest. So what transpired that evening in America is not just some fornication, today it is popularly known as an ‘open relationship.’ After we were ‘done’, we got back together and returned to our hotel. After reaching our respective rooms, there was no talking, no questioning about what had happened before at the pub. Today, it has been over ten years since that incident, and we never regret it. My friends often chided me, saying, ‘were you not feeling guilty afterwards?’, ‘did you even like it?’ and so on. I would reply, ‘Not only was it one of the best experiences I have ever had but there was also a strange sense of ecstasy as well.’ And besides, it was a deal between my husband and me. We had decided not to let our marriage, or our love for each other, for that matter, come between us if we ever wanted to try out something new and ‘adventurous’.
Vivek and I got married at an early age. We were just out of college. Having been married most of our adult life, when most of our common friends would come to us and share with us their interesting stories about how they had those ‘lucky encounters’ and go on dates to have the ‘best sex’ of their lives, it would make us feel a bit jealous. We loved each other dearly; there was no doubt about it. But then we loved each other too much to do stuff that was kinky and unconventional. That’s when; we came to a pact one night – ‘let’s for at least one night during our trip, get rid of our inhibitions and live our lives as singles’. I realized the understanding between my husband and me was the most beautiful aspect of our relationship. And the fact that we gave each other so much space, without affecting our relationship and trust, made us bond even better and stronger. When I tell this story to some of my friends, I get mixed reactions. Some frown upon me, some just laugh it off, some find it unbelievable, and the smallest group calls it ‘exciting and sexy.
We have different notions about love, sexuality and relationships. But it’s not simple to define human beings and their emotions in terms of fixed notions. Yes, it’s complicated, and in love, things can sometimes go out of hand.
Having said that, the concept of open relationships in India is often misconstrued and misunderstood. Open relationships need not mean cheating or getting the right to screw anybody you like anytime. It is much more than that. It is exploring your sexuality and independence. It is like letting your inner animal find a mate with equal energy and vigour. Someone who isn’t afraid to love you, makes love to you, and doesn’t bog you down with unnecessary societal expectations in a relationship. And at times, an open relationship only means finding an outlet for your inner desires, feelings, aspirations and finding a way to communicate with someone outside of your relationship or marriage.
A male doctor friend laughingly points out ‘Men are by nature polygamous.’ But I beg to differ. It’s not just about sex. And I don’t think it’s just men who are engineered that way. Even women, at times, feel like breaking the conventional barriers to live the life of their whims and fancies. And why shouldn’t they, after all the thought that we are self-sufficient and self-satisfied genders with just one person for the rest of our lives, is like looking for a needle in a haystack. It doesn’t mean you should forget your boundaries, ethics, values and become animals to go on a mad hunt to satiate your carnal needs. Still, as I said, we humans are intriguing creatures, and sometimes even a comfortable snuggle with a total stranger feels like a paradise. However, even open relationships don’t work out all the time, and jealousy tends to creep in.
A friend of mine once had a short trip to Shimla. She was supposed to stay at a girlfriend’s place. The following day she called me up to say, ‘We slept together!’ It was unexpected as she was pretty happy with her boyfriend, so I was instantly concerned about her reaction. Later, when I confronted her about this, she responded, ‘oh, he was very cool about it. Because it was a girl.’ So I asked her back if she would ever allow her boyfriend to have a similar experience with any male friend of his. She was like, ‘Absolutely. I realized we bottle up so many passions when we are with somebody. But with this encounter, I’m pretty sure that I’m bisexual. Not that either of us has a problem with it, it’s just that there’s a side to my sexuality which is now revealed, and who knows, it could be for good.’
But she asserted that it was not just about sex. She and her friend connected in places where she had always found it challenging to communicate with her boyfriend. However, it didn’t mean that she hadn’t loved her boyfriend. ‘It’s just that we are social beings by nature, and to think that we can connect with our partner in all aspects of our being is a hyped logic.’
There’s yet another story. Sakshi, my friend, was in a serious relationship with her boyfriend for about three years. But lately, they started encountering problems in terms of commitment and giving time to each other. However, they were not ready to completely break up due to their closeness and love. She came across a college friend on Facebook after a long gap, and he started chasing her down. He expressed his hidden feelings for her that he kept secret all these years. What began as a casual flirtation confused Sakshi about her current relationship. While the idea of being with somebody who has had feelings for you for so many years seemed exciting, she didn’t want to risk everything she had with her current boyfriend. ‘Let’s start an open relationship,’ she told her boyfriend. After some back and forth, the couple decided to get into it. They did set some limits, though, as she tells me. One day during the pandemic lockdown, she met this friend at his place. ‘We cooked food, watched movies, and then just lay next to each other. Out of nowhere, we just hugged and felt a sense of deep relaxation. It was a sort of tenderness that couldn’t be defined. It was not exactly a romantic feeling, but some softness and care that you feel for that ‘nobody’ who just seems like a nice person.’
I get it. Relationships are tricky. And so are human beings. While an open relationship sounds like an antithesis to monogamous relationships and faithfulness, it ultimately boils down to personal preference. Like they say, to each their own.
