How to deal with unwanted admiration on the roadside?
Do you know what I missed most in the days of the lockdown? It wasn’t travel or clubbing or even seeing my friends and family. What I missed the most was getting showered by affection from my roadside admirers. They were the ones who would appear in the most unexpected of places and leave me with these memorable encounters, and make me feel wanted. Be it public transport, or the queue at the fast-food joint or even places of worship, where I would get more attention than the Goddess herself; they made sure I never felt unloved. And how could I not miss them? They have been my constant source of appreciation, my single largest fan-club ever since I was twelve.
And I think a lot of my compatriot ladies will agree with me when I say that every woman’s rite of passage into adulthood will always ALWAYS have three things. Getting your first crazy fashion choice; having an epic battle with your Mom, or Dad, or whoever you are closest to; and definitely getting groped in public. And while there is no certainty about when the first two will happen to you, the last one will happen without delay and you will always remember it as the day you stopped being a kid forever.
My generation dealt with this by either getting traumatised or running to their parents crying and worrying them sick. My mother once dealt with it during her teenage years, by throwing bricks at her admirer. But since we are all seasoned affection-receivers and have gained sufficient insight into the matter, let’s not let our younger generation come up with something so naive or violent. Let us use our vast knowledge and sea of experience to come up with better solutions.
First of all we must understand the underlying reason for this massive cultural phenomena. Why do certain men feel the urge to get their hands and their groin to come in vigorous contact with another female’s body, who they were not even acquainted with previously? The reason is quite simple.
‘Their mamas didn’t raise them right’ is NOT it. Because no Mother teaches their kids that. ‘They were influenced by the movies’ is NOT IT EITHER. Because though our cinema can be frequently quite unreasonable, you would hardly ever find scenes where the eyes of the guy are looking this way and their hands are facing the other way, while the groin does it’s own little thing independently. Do you know how much talent is required with that? And the camera angles and the technicalities! It is impossible to accurately do justice to this sheer amount of talent and dare-devilry on the screen. So no, they don’t learn it from anywhere, and you must have guessed it by now… It is just natural talent!
It is something they are born with. Like that weird birth-mark on your body, or the various unreasonable phobias, it is just something that is just there. And it makes it impossible to discern who may have it and who may not. Your roadside admirers will come in all shapes, sizes and forms. They may look happy or depressed, may look like playboys or geeks, may look like respectable working people or may look like they haven’t yet caught up with the concept of shower in this day and age. So ladies, never judge! Anyone could be your next admirer. Keep an open mind and you will never be disappointed.
Now let’s understand what’s going on with someone so bustling with admiration for you that he can’t control it. He found you attractive? Possible. He found you unattractive and wanted to punish you for it. Also possible. He just thought you were available to receive his affections. Possible. He thought you were unavailable and distant and generously wanted you to also receive a share of his wealth of love. Also possible. In short, showering love is their business, and your business is to deal with it.
Before we go into how to deal with it. Let’s talk about how NOT to deal with it.
№1
Never confront them. Remember their ability to look absolutely harmless on the surface while carrying out their business with absolute discretion down there. They can and will deny everything for sure. Your reaction might even lead them to think that you are interested as well. They might even double up their enthusiasm in your pursuit. And if you are not equally enthusiastic in this relationship, it would be really unfair to lead them on, won’t it ladies?
№2
Never try complaining to someone with authority, be it police or bus conductors or security guards. Do you know how busy they are? They are the ones who are constantly lacking even attention, forget about affection, for the tough jobs that they do. Don’t be rude to them and show off how much you are admired. They will most likely ignore you or even book you, for seeking more attention than you’re offered. And they will be completely justified in doing so.
№3
Never resort to violence. I mean I did catch a groper’s hand right in the middle of its exploration and slapped his face repeatedly till he called me ‘Didi’ and did find it strangely satisfying. But I later realised the error in my ways. The public opinion always sides with the one showering admiration, never with the one blatantly rejecting it. What’s the point of putting up a great show when you won’t even receive any claps for it? Why must you waste your talent which only belongs in your gym, or maybe TV?
And lastly but most importantly,
№4
Never run away. A lot of mothers feed the ‘just run away from there’ mantra to their daughters. But I don’t agree with it. After all, where can you run away from a moving bus? Or why should you run away from the queue in front of your favourite fast-food joint before getting your order, when you’ve waited an eternity to finally get to the front of the queue? And have you tried running in a Puja fair, or a music concert packed with people? You will cause a stampede, girl! Surely we don’t need society to pay with a few lives just so we can deal with a little bit of unwanted love? And trust me even if you do take a few lives, or sacrifice a meal or two, or even jump from a moving bus, it will not simply stop happening. You NEED to deal with it someday or the other.
Now let’s talk about how to deal with it. Do we follow Ketaki Dave’s example in delivering a ‘lady’s touch’ and carry a safety pin around everywhere? Well carrying them around is not a big deal but then you would have to throw away a safety pin everytime and that is bad for the economy, and the environment. How about simply using your nails to pinch? The advice is bad for those who like keeping short nails, also bad for those who really care about their nails and where their nails go. What about elbow-ing or knee-ing? Refer above to the argument against using violence, and again, as women you should care about where your elbows and knees go.
The way to deal with it lies in the problem itself. The restless energy that is getting emitted from those hands and those groins needs to be released, there’s no helping it. We just need a system to receive it properly. Remember those who have to grind their groins against your arm when you are sitting in a bus? Well we should understand that it’s the person’s basic human right to relieve the itch in their groins without touching it with their own hands. But unfortunately this issue is completely ignored in our system and our infrastructure.
I propose installation of ‘grind-rails’, at the groin level, parallel to the grab-rails everywhere. These ‘grind rails’ should be fitted with a series of pouches filled with the ideal material, with the right balance of hardness and softness necessary to relieve some itching balls without hurting them. Just imagine, all the men who want to relieve their balls stressed from God-knows-what, grinding away in a manner pleasing to eyes, while lined up in a series against these ‘grind rails’. Just like the men’s urinals, it could be a great way to promote male-bonding, as they would be sharing and relieving common miseries, right next to each other.
But while the bill gets passed in the parliament and before the public infrastructure can free up funds to carry out this great mission, we must do something immediately. I propose we all carry a bunch of stones bundled in a kerchief and simply offer it for use in public whenever we get the ‘affection transmission signal’.
The pebbles will feel right at home with other pebbles. The women frequently travelling in buses can simply make it a habit to tie it on their arms facing the aisle side. The stones can be reused and the kerchiefs just need to be collected till Holi every year and you will get yourselves a decent show of a bonfire. Two birds with one stone! Sorry, two stones with one bird. That’s not right either. Multiple stones for two stones? I am gonna need more time to work out the right punchline.
And after dealing with the groin, we need to deal with those talented hands. To deal with the hands who like to grope your cushiony bits, you just need to pad your bras and underwear with a pouch of silica gel. While accurately imitating the feel of your flesh, they also work wonders in helping you achieve all the curves in the right places. Win-win everywhere! And when the hands are done with their exercise, and the time for parting is close at hand, simply remove the pouch and offer it to them as a token of your shared affection and a souvenir to remember you by. Your dear admirer will be so touched by your gesture, he may never even want to think about any other girl for the rest of his life and will remain loyal to you and you alone forever.
In conclusion, as us ladies are stepping out or preparing to step out into the warm and affectionate world, away from the confines of our cold and lonely homes, we must not be overwhelmed. Adequate amount of mental preparation, equipping ourselves correctly and quick responsive actions will go a long way in turning a sticky situation into a joyous one. Happy affection-receiving to all!
PS: This write up is a satire. So it should be read as a satire on eve teasing and eve teasers.
