‘Self love’ before love for your partner
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Being women, I must say we all have gone through the inner struggles of choosing between ourselves and those around us. Even in love, it has never been easy and has always been a tussle between ‘me’ and ‘you’ or at max – ‘us.’ I used to think being ‘giving’ keeps us women going. Being the so-called close to ‘nurture,’ women are expected to be the constant caregiver and the softer gender. Whereas, a man is always thought to be closer to ‘nature,’ i.e., he can go out into the world and live his life and earn a livelihood on his own. But those are academic perspectives on gender expectations. How can a woman be happy if she constantly directs all her energies to nourish his partner’s soul and suffer silently? These were things I could never really grasp with.
Even before being in a relationship, I had to fight some external and internal demons to justify my choice of finding my own life partner and at whatever age I felt like. There was a lot of pressure and chiding by my relatives. ‘Who will take care of you in your bad days?’, ‘You will get lonely in your old age,’ ‘A woman’s prime role is to beget a child, how would you do that if you don’t marry?’ These were some of the questions and rebukes that were thrown at me throughout my existence during my late 20s. However, I refused to give in. It was not that I was against marriage; I just couldn’t bring myself to decide who my partner would be in an instant and needed time. I wanted to fall in love first. And love takes time. I wanted to be both needed and desired by another person and not just be married to follow some custom. For what would a marriage be without love, passion, and understanding between two human beings? I didn’t want to be just somebody’s wife; I wanted to be his friend, lover, companion, and life partner, all woven into one.
That’s when I came across the love of my life in my mid-20s. Although I wanted to get married, I wanted first to take on the adventurous journey of life with my lover as a companionate. The more we spend time with each other, the better we know one another, I said. After staying together for over three years, I realised how driven we were in our respective careers. I found my partner torn between spending time with me and coping with his extremely tiring job. And even if he’d say how he wanted to be there for me at every small or big event of my life, eventually, my days were marked by indignant solitude. ‘I’m a workaholic person,’ he would say every time. ‘I’ve ambitions which will help both of us in future. I put up with his absenteeism for as long as I could. But then, one day, I started watching Julia Roberts ‘Eat Pray Love’ on my laptop, and something happened to me that day. It was like my whole perspective on life and love took a makeover, and I changed how I looked at things for good.
That’s when I decided that even I needed it. I needed to be my own hero, and I didn’t need anyone’s saving. My partner may be the most important person in my life, but it was high time that I put myself before him, and everyone else for that matter. I realised that all I wanted at the moment was a dose of ‘self-love.’
Self-love is not a selfish venture, as pointed out by a few of my happily married friends. Or so they pretended. ‘Care for your better half is not a choice, it is your duty,’ they would tell me. It is not just some trendy invention of the 21st-century woman or a so-called feminist movement-like phenomenon. It is just the way one looks at life. And as far as mine is concerned, it certainly changed my whole standpoint about life and love. I refused to be told by my partner if I needed to lose some weight or if my body structure was appealing or not. I learned to embrace myself and caress every aspect of me with imperfection and incompleteness. I began exploring and discovering things that enabled me to live and express my desires and give voice to my feelings. I didn’t have to worry about my partner’s approval for every hobby I picked or every place I went to for a vacation with my friends. I’m my own master. And at the same time, I will make sure my love for my partner doesn’t diminish.
A significant amount of time that I used to dedicate to my partner’s well-being and happiness, my precious time, I now keep for myself. From something as simple as buying a box personal care kit to a spa at a luxe salon – I began ticking every box that ensured to nourish my soul and mind. And mine alone. However, self love is not about not loving others, it is just realising the fact that you are the best person to love and that you are enough. It is as simple as treating yourself as you’d want to be treated by someone else. And if you don’t love yourself, you will probably end up underestimating your own worth. I also began consuming books and movies that uplifted my spirit and made me happier at the end of the day.
Better still. I decided to go on solo trips. At first it was not taken very well by my partner. ‘Why do you have to go on solo trips when I’m here?’ he would nag. But every time we plan a vacation, it is always him who has to ‘figure out’ the dates and stays. Other days it would be a laidback, ‘I’m too busy’. That’s when I felt the need to be my own master. After all, it’s just a trip. It’s just about letting go for a couple days and relaxing. A break from your hectic work schedule. We all need it, and I realised I do not have to wait on anybody, and go on trips on my own. My first solo trip was to Rishikesh. It was followed by a number of other trips with my girlfriends and relatives. Whenever he needed a break, I made sure I went with him, but it never seemed like an obligation anymore.
Self love is not a destination, it is a journey. And yes, at times it can be challenging. I’ve learnt that I may not be the best partner in the world, but I’ve mastered the art of redefining the meaning of love. Now, even my partner has come to accept me for the person I have become these years. Or should I say, he respects me more for loving myself and bolstering my self confidence. It has also helped me in my professional life. I not only got better at love, but at life in general.
