Worst shack session faux pas – and lessons to learn

The Covid-19 pandemic has made a tangible romantic encounter at a bar or a common friend’s residence a nearly impossible affair these days. That said, dating apps came to the rescue of love-lorn souls. These dating apps can be prospective tools for uninvited and unpleasant sexual experiences as much as they are a panacea for finding love. They are shack sessions gone awry.

I have had a similar experience with a handsome guy recently. Of course, he was good-looking, well-dressed, and everything goody-goody on the surface. Almost as good as his profile pictures. But he totally failed in living up to my expectations because of the self-boasting he has done all this while. Men who boast about their skills in bed often end up not satisfying women up to their expectations.

After an amazing night (I hate to say how bad it went later) he decided to drop me off at my home or the nearest point (how sweet of him). We walked hand in hand, and I must admit it almost felt like a dream. We both have been waiting for this moment ever since we started virtually catching up on the app. No wonder, we ended up having a make-out sesh. While it all started pretty nice, what turned me off was the mad vigor with which he started biting on my kissers. And the tongue knew no limit – as if licking up the fast-melting ice cream from a cone. This was like what a friend of mine says – ‘mouth porn.’

I mean guys, let me get this straight. We girls, women, ladies, lassies, or whatever it is you like to call us – we LOVE a sensuous kiss. As they say, it could be a great ‘starter’ for the main thingy. But here’s the thing. We do NOT like our lips literally eaten. One thing to note – in a passionate kiss is too much tongue or the lack of it are both weird But going overboard while kissing your girl goodbye on a street is a total turn-off. I mean there are places where a kiss is allowed to get nasty. Everywhere else, it’s salacious.

This date hasn’t lived up to my expectations. It’s painful to find a sweet and perfect guy who munches on my lips more than his food.

Now I’m not alone in this. Take my friend Sasha for instance. Poor thing – got both her nipples turned and rolled like screws. I really laughed it off the other day when she first narrated her experience. So there was this guy who showed up at her place, a man she had been waiting to date for some time. To her disgust, the guy started first pulling her nips as if were corks of a bottle, which she did tolerate for a while. ‘What the hell exactly are you trying to? They are my nips, not some nails to fasten,’ she yelled when he started screwing them in and out with both his hands.

Another friend of mine had a similar experience. So, the first time her boyfriend went down on her, she was on cloud nine by just imagining the ecstasy she was about to experience. Something she had only seen in erotic movies so far. He kept landing gentle kisses all over her body till he reached her pussy. The moment he was down there, bam! He bites it down hard with his teeth. My friend screamed up in pain and shock both. To her utter shock, he was still not sure of what wrong he had done. Jeez, fellas. Just because a woman’s vagina lips are called ‘muffin’ doesn’t mean you’ve to take a bite out of it. That is so NOT eating a woman.

The list goes on and on. Sexting is back in trend these days, thanks to the pandemic-induced lockdown. While you guys think we women go nuts about your penis – we don’t see it as an edible thing as you see women as. So please, if you are a guy who bombards his girlfriend with those ‘dick pics’ – you should know that they are not something that brings a sudden smile on our faces in the middle of an errand or a busy schedule. Besides, seeing your thing on a digital device doesn’t turn us on. Our hormones do not function as yours do. Simply seeing things doesn’t turn us on, FYI. At least not always.

Next – don’t utter the three words – ‘I love you’ – when you are humping on us. Being lovey-dovey is nice when we are in the midst of a foreplay, but when screwing – we prefer it hot and mean business.

But why should I blame only the guys? While it’s true that it’s them who mess it up most of the time, there are a few good-in-bed guys who screw it up just because of bad luck. Here’s a story of a male friend.

Rishi badly wanted to make out with his new crush who was very sexy and seemingly naughty. She always smiled provocatively at him and showed signs of interest. So finally he asked her out on one fine day.

On that fateful day, Rishi booked a room at a cozy resort in suburban Kolkata. As soon as both of them got inside the room, Rishi jumped onto her, unable to resist his urge and excitement. He took her in his arms giving her a bear hug. She reciprocated by locking her hands around him.

They quickly got rid of their clothes and hit the bed, Rishi on top of the girl. Rishi started to kiss her, her lips, eyes, ears – everywhere. He leisurely rolled his tongue on her neck and nipples, all the while feeling his manhood growing constantly. He had never felt so excited in life.

“Give me some head”, he told the girl. She looked puzzled yet climbed on Rishi and lay a brief moment on him. Rishi couldn’t wait anymore with his skin burning and manhood bursting.

“Give me some head,” he told the girl again. “I always thought you liked my boobs and other parts of my body,” the girl coyly said. “What is there to do with my head,” she asked. “But then my head is here, you can do whatever you like,” she smilingly added.

Poof, Ratan could distinctly hear the sound of deflation as his manhood shrank rapidly. He seemed at a loss… he lost all the excitement in just a blink of an eye.

All the while, the girl went on rubbing her head on his chest. “Happy with my head or should I rub it some more,” she murmured. Rishi fell short of words. He can feel the temperature of his manhood dropping to drastic lows.

So, all you peeps out there, and guys especially – let us all take a vow to keep a fact sheet of possibilities on what could go wrong in a date. In order not to lose that dream girl/boy – the last thing we should do is mess up on our first date. So the next time they ask for some hot ‘9 and a half weeks’ like steaming sex, please don’t end up giving them a burning steam bath.